Ron the emo
by starryskiesx
Summary: Just a humorous parody of ron turning emo. He tries to fit in with the other emo kids at Hogwarts. How will his friends react? Is Ron getting himself into something too deep? What are you asking me wat are you askin me for, read it! slight hhr, pos. RWOC
1. The transformation

Ron the emo

**To all you people who might get offended by this story please understand that I am just making fun of a stereotype, nothing more. I do not know many emos so I only know the stereotype please if you get offended stop reading NOW. Please…don't flame if its something along the lines of "OMG don't make fun of emos!" Now on with the story…**

Ron sighed and put on his favourite "bleeding wrists" cd. It was time for some depressing lyrics to remind him how bad his life was.

Over the summer Ron had undergone an…uh…interesting transformation. His long, girlish hair was restyled, so his fringe came down so far he couldn't see and had to do exaggerated "hairflips" every five seconds to get it out of the way…just because he was emo like that. Then he dyed it black with blood red tips…just because he was emo like that.

Then he completely renovated his wardrobe. with his weekly "allowance" from the profits Fred and George had so generously decided to give he bought…

_Ron Weasley's shopping list- don't touch or I'll fucking kill you_

_Tight black pants (x2)_

_White t-shirt (x2)_

_Black T shirt (x2)_

_Black sweaters (x2)_

_Shirts with depressing messages on them, to make everyone feel bad for me (x4) (I'm hardcore so deal with it,What else do you want I'm bleeding for you isn't that enough? I hope you choke on every word you said when you were screaming at me and, Ron's personal favourite, So emo…)_

_Scarves- to hide my pain…or something like that_

_Black Converse shoes_

_Black eyeliner_

_Fake eyelashes with red tips so I can look like that guy from AFI_

_Skirt- I mean…something black_

_Badge that says "I'm emo so give me a razor" then changes to "I'm emo so get the fuck out of my way" _

_Emo robes...there's gotta be something like that out there._

So far Ron had gotten everything off that list (even the badge) except the robes. He would have to get them at Diagon Alley along with the rest of his school books and emo apparell.

As the song reached its climax, with the lead singer screaming a load of mumbo jumo that no one could understand except…well nobody, Ron picked up his copy of "Emo for dummies" sat on his bed and started reading. He was up to the tenth chapter (slitting your wrists- up the road, not across the street). He was so proud that he had actually read ten chapters. Just as he turned his page a loud knock was heard at his door. The door swung open to reveal Ginny, aka "Gin-hor-ny" by the students (and teachers) Hogwarts…well actually everyone, even her parents.

"Ron! Turn this shit off or…I'll do something slutty!"

"NO! You're just like everyone else! No one understands me! Don't make me get my razors out!"

"Just turn it down!" She yelled and slammed the door. So Ron, who did not want Ginny to do something slutty, especially to him, turned the music off. He was hungry anyway. So he went downstairs to make a sandwich.

He left his room, in a very emo way, walked down the stairs, in a very emo way, and started to make an emo sandwich, in a very emo way, purposely cutting himself each time the knife passed over his hand. Then his mother walked in, in a very UNemo way.

"Hello…son?!!! What the frick did you do to your hair?"

"SHUTUP MUM! I'M SICK OF ALL THIS CRAP YOU SAY TO ME ALL THE TIME! I'M JUST MAKING A FUCKING SANDWICH SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!"

"Fine jeesh. Ever since you went to that emo exhibition you've been acting very…strange I just can't put my finger on it."

"Mum could you just leave me and my emo sandwich to be emo together?"

"Sure…" So she left, again, in a very unemo way. Ron finished cutting the words "I'm an emo sandwich" into the bread when he realized there was something missing. He went to the fridge and pulled out some tomato sauce, then squeezed it into the words. Perfect. Ron almost smiled, Then he quickly cut himself again to remind him of rule number one of "Emo for dummies": An emo is NEVER EVER happy.

Ron the emo, ate his craptastic emo sandwich – making sure to bite his tongue with every bite. He finished his last corner and made his way to the kitchen sink, flipping his hair 18 times in the 10 second journey. He filled the sink with soapy water and began to rinse his plate and knife. The soapy water's purpose was to help him blindly clean the utensil, hence making more cuts on his already savaged hand. Cutting his hand happily – no in a deeply depressed state, Gin-hor-ny came backing into the kitchen with a man supporting the muscles of a dumb extreme body builder – other words Arnold Schwarzenegger – making out fiercely.

Ron looked upon them with deep disgust and shriveled his nose. In the emoest voice he could muster, he drawled, "Can't you guys get in a room or something?! I'm playing with knives here!"

They continued their making out – but they had moved on top of the kitchen bench.

Ron tapped the guy's back; the guy turned around and shouted "Stop it! Get in the chopper!" Holy fiz nit! It was Arnold Schwarzenegger!! But it was no time for autographs now; Ron needed to release some pain from seeing his sister prepare to mate on the cooking bench. So, Ron pushed the knife off the table edge and let it drop to the floor, following with: "Opps … I. Will. Get. It."

**So wadda ya think…**

**I started this story expecting flames to my oh so stereotypical and exaggerated story but please…constructive flames, let me keep my dignity. Tell me if I got any stereotypes or anything you know about emos would be a great help.**

**Please don't say things along the lines of "I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU EMO HATING BITCH!!" For one thing, it's just rude, and for another thing I have no problem with emos, I like emos.**

**Review please!!!!!**

**Remember, this is just a humorous (well I think it's humorous) parody it does not mean anything or reflect who I am…unless it's a talented writer :P **


	2. Emo camp

**AN: Big thankyou to my co writer amose… yes amie CO writer :P Enjoy this next chapter of emo goodness!**

**Oh and a warning may be needed…suicidal themes, sexual references and very coarse language**

**DISCLAIMER: Do you seriously think JKR would write something about Ron becoming emo? Nuh. I still don't own Harry Potter or any of the characters.**

**Chapter 2: Emo camp**

Ron bent down to pick up the knife, his sister and…acquaintance's limbs thrashing everywhere. Gin-hor-ny gave out a big moan and Arnold gave a gruff grunt…Arnold Schwarzenegger NEVER moans in sex…just grunts or says "You have been Schwarzenated."

At that moment, the buff body builder/governor's leg swung out and whacked Ron in his bum, which was sticking up in the air due to the position he was in during the process of "picking up" the knife. He fell forward and, since the knife was in his hand, he stabbed himself. Ron's favourite thing, blood, gushed out everywhere.

"YES! I'M SWIMMING IN BLOOD! I mean…Schwarzeblahblah, I'm bleeding for you, why don't you love me?"

"Ew gross dude, you're weird." Arnold said. "I'm out Gin-hor-ny. I've got a state to govern…I'll be back." He slipped on some aviator shades and a helicopter crashed through the roof. He stepped in and flew away, giving a small salute to Gin-hor-ny.

"YOU BASTARD! I LOVED YOU!"

"No you didn't Gin-hor-ny. You just liked him because he was fit had an accent."

"SHUTUP RON! DON'T TOY WITH MY EMOTIONS!"

"Hey I'm the one dieing here. It wasn't supposed to end like this, I was supposed to kill myself, jump off a building, cut my wrists, shoot myself or something like that…get mum. I wanna say something to her." Ron's sister ran up the stairs and 10.47 seconds came back with…Errol.

"Here she is Ron!" She cried ecstatically.

"What the fuck Gin, that's Errol!"

"Oopsies." She giggled. Once again, she ran up the stairs and 5.63 seconds later returned with his mother.

"Oh my god RON! What did I tell you about killing yourself?"

"Something… Anyway mum I need you to do a very important job for me before I die."

"Anything Ron."

"Tell Harry-"

"Yes?"

"Tell him…I lo-" Ron was rudely interrupted by a medical team coming in, picking him up and putting him on a stretcher.

"I called an ambulance!" Gin-hor-ny yelled, laughing hysterically. "Ooooh, just wait til I tell Harry you're a homo!"

"I thought it was obvious!" Ron screamed before disappearing into the ambulance.

OoOoOoOoOoOo

When Ron woke up, he was in a very strange place. The only thing that was familiar was his mother-no errol- no it was his mother standing over him.

"Oh thank goodness you're ok."

"Of course I'm ok, otherwise the story would be too short." He sat up in his bed and looked around. Everything was white and the only furniture in the room was the bed he was lying in…very space age. In the corner he spied Hermione and, his favourite person in the world, Harry Potter, the Boy who was still alive.

"Oh. Hello there Harry." He said with a saucy wink.

"Um…hello Ron. By the way I'm very flattered about you loving me and all but…I just don't go that way if you know what I mean."

"Oh I'm not gay. I just love you…as a friend. And that wink…was just a twitch." Ron quickly made up.

"Good." Harry said and came out of the corner he was hiding in, pulling Hermione behind him.

"Ron are you alright?" Hermione asked.

"I…feel…fine." He lied. He did not feel fine. His heart was broken by none other than Harry potter. Harry Potter would die…but there was no time for that now. For now he had to find out where he was. "Mum where are we?"

"Ron…don't be offended or anything…but we have to send you away…for a while."

"What?!"

"For the rest of the summer you'll be staying with other kids who have…suicidal tendencies…like you."

"Oh. You think I'm crazy don't you?."

"No Ron-" Hermione said only to be stopped by Ron putting up a hand.

"No I'll play your little game. Maybe the people here will understand me better than all of you. Leave me." He said coldly. Hermione burst into tears and left with Harry out the door. Just before the door closed he saw Harry wipe a tear from her face and gently kiss her.

_Hermione that BIATCH!!! I'll make sure her AND Harry die. Muahahahaha! _Ron's musings were interrupted when a man in a long white cloak entered the room.

"Hello Ronald-"

"It's Ron."

"Oh ok. Hello Ronald."

"RON!"

"Who's Ron?"

"ME BASTARD!"

"Who's "me bastard"?"

"Never mind."

"Alright Ronald. Welcome to camp depression."

"Camp depression? I like it"

"Yes. And strangely, so do all the other kids."

"Oh alright."

"You'll be staying here for the rest of the summer. You've come of age haven't you?"

"Yes. So I can do magic?" He asked hopefully.

"No. I'm taking your wand."

"Bu-bu…" mouthed Ron hopelessly as the man took his wand.

"Now why don't you come out and meet the rest of the kids?"

"Um…sure."

OoOoOoOoOoOo

**AN: Lol gotta have some Hhr in it! **

**REVIEWS!**


	3. ET

_Last time…_

"_Now why don't you come out and meet the rest of the kids?"_

"_Um…sure."_

_OoOoOo_

Ron got up out of his bed and scoped out the man in front of him. According the pink badge on his lapel, his name was "Dr Fil". The man wore a "psychedelic" blue, pink, purple, green and yellow coat. On his face he wore a pair of joke glasses with boingy eyes popping out on long springs hidden under thick eyebrows and with a large nose and bushy moustache to boot. Perched on the corner of his head was an orange wizards' hat with a stuffed toucan on it. Poking out from under the hat was short spiky hair with blue with purple streaks through it. Somehow Ron knew he was in the presence of a true professional…yeah right.

Obviously this guy was a washed up wizard hippie from the 70's (wizard hippies were exactly like muggle hippies except they had magic…lord help us all).

"So Ronald dude your mother said you've been acting differently lately." 

"Psh."

"Ok…we'll talk about that later."

"Psh."

"So how's life?"

"Psh."

"Whoa relax man what's that attitude for?"

"Psh." Secretly, Ron was enjoying taunting this loser.

"Psh yourself, MmmHm." He retaliated lamely snapping his fingers.

"Psh."

"ARGH!" Dr Fil screamed and grabbed his hat from his head. He began repeatedly punching the toucan in frustration, the bird squawking loudly with every blow.

"Dude that's not cool." The toucan gasped.

"I'm sorry man I love you." Fil sobbed and rested the toucan against his cheek.

"I love you too man." The toucan said as Fil placed him back on his head.

"Psh. Can I go meet the other retards."

"FINE! GOSH!"

Ron raised a newly waxed eyebrow. He got up just the same though, and cat-walked out the door. Little did Dr. Phil—I mean Dr. Fil know that Ron was planning on a good cutting session. He exited and examined his surroundings. The space outside was white, brightly lit and open; above were dome-shaped lights hanging by wires all lined in a row. There were numerous doors spaced evenly between intervals; with horror it dawned on Ron that he had been hospitalized.

He dramatically sank to his knees, just like Romeo in the rain. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Frantically, he ran to one of the windows and peered in, with the glimmering hope that the kids would be remotely normal. Inside were six or seven kids in yellow t-shirts and green shorts in a circle doing the hokey pokey. He pressed his head right up to the glass- to find it was not glass. The pane bent as he leant on it but flexed back so he didn't fall in.

"What the?" he muttered to himself.

"You like it?" Dr Fil said, suddenly appearing out of the shadows, as pedophiles usually do.

"What the hell is wrong with you people?"

"I designed it myself. It's a clear substance that doesn't break, used instead of glass for the windows. I feared some of the kids would get…ideas." He said, completely ignoring Ron's inquisition.

"I need to get out of here," he mumbled, "where's my room?" Dr Fil pointed down a long corridor to Ron's left and handed him a small section of parchment. Ron unrolled it and saw it read _"Ronald Weasley room 1222. Password: Rainbows. This message will self destruct in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1" _the piece of paper immediately exploded in Ron's hands and fell to the ground in a pile of ashes. Ron raised an eyebrow and shook his head.

He strode down the long corridor counting down the rooms until he was outside room 1222. He said the password "Rainbows" and stepped in. The room was small with a door at the end which he suspected was a bathroom. The only furniture was two single beds with white pristine sheets, two bedside tables and two dressers. In the background a bell rang and the sound of hundreds of feet rushed towards him, he had to act fast, before his roommate got there.

Ron gratefully stepped towards the dresser, his abnormally tight jeans were giving his balls a hard time. With some difficulty he pulled them off. Relief swept through his loins and he let out a long sigh. His moment of comfort was interrupted by a small giggle behind him. Immediately, he whipped around shielding his nether regions with his hands.

"Who's there?" he said in a high voice before clearing it and repeating in a deeper voice, "I mean, who's there?"

"Over here." The voice, whom he suspected was a girl's, but in this day and age you really couldn't tell if a person was a guy or a girl, came from below him. He glanced downwards to see a pair of bright green eyes ogling up at him from underneath a trapdoor.

"What do you want?" he scowled.

"Come down here, where its safe." Ron reached for his pants but the voice stopped him, "You can leave those. There'll be no need for them." The eyes disappeared down the trapdoor and Ron, boxer shorts and all, followed; even as creepy as it was, being told not to put pants on. He found himself clambering down a grimy ladder for some good thirty feet until he reached a dirt floor. He was greeted by the owner of the girlish voice…who turned out to be a guy. The boy indicated him to follow down a long, narrow tunnel. It was dark and black; just the way Ron liked it. They continued down the tunnel for about two minutes until it widened out and split in two. They took a left turn into an enormous hall.

Black drapes hung from the ceiling all the way to the floor. A long table ran through the center of the hall, dim orbs of light coming from small candles, with a few kids clustered around the fainting lights. Along the side were dozens of small private boots draped in red curtains. The hall was filled with the sound of emo music and the moans and cries of hundreds of depressed teens. It was…beautiful.

Ron looked at the front of the hall and saw a magnificent chair at the front. In it sat a man of equal magnificence. His hair was a shiny black in contrast to his chalky white complexion, his lips were a blood red and he wore a flowing black cloak, but the thing that interested Ron the most about this man was his eyes. His eyes seemed as though they had seen years of pain and he numbed himself from it. They held a vacant expression as if they were empty. A single tear rolled down his white cheek. Ron gasped. A single tear? One of the most secret and difficult of all emo weapons, used correctly, the single-tear-strike could woe and enemy into uncontrollable fits of depression.

"Who are you?" Ron asked his guide.

"My name is Roy, I'm your roommate."

"Who is that guy?"

"You'll see," was the answer.

Ron kept watching the man; he seemed so distant…as if in a trance. The man was jolted out of it by a young boy tapping on his shoulder and whispering something in his ear. A satisfied look crossed the man's face as he waved the small boy away. He followed the small boy with his eyes and noticed he was headed right towards him and Roy.

"His lord wishes to see you." The boy said in an annoying squeaky voice indicating for Ron to follow. Obediently he did.

"I'll see you in our room…I'll be waiting…" Roy grinned.

Ron nodded back at him and followed the small boy who had fetched him. The boy had spiky purple hair and wore a long cloak which he tripped on occasionally. Ron glanced back at the chair to find it empty. He was led to the back of the hall where a redwood door stood before him.

"Well go on." the boy spat. Hurriedly, Ron pushed the door open and slipped in, to see the mysterious man sitting cross legged in the center.

"Welcome youngling." The man greeted in a silvery smooth voice.

"Who are you? What is this place?" Ron demanded. The man raised an eyebrow in irritation but the look vanished as soon as it had come.

"My name is Mortum I am leader of the E.T. and this," he paused and waved his hands about, "is E.T. headquarters."

"E.T.? You're extra terrestrials?"

"No you fool! E.T. stands for Emo Tribe!" Mortum said hotly but immediately called down. "Now tell me…how close are you to Harry Potter?"

**OoOoOoOo**

**Revieewwwwwww!!**


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